We all have good days and bad days. This growth season has had its share of both for me. I've experienced really bad times where I just want to sit alone crying and then I've had those days where I feel like myself again. Part of me thinks that it's hormones, but part of it is also the turmoil some competitors feel when they've finished their season. I tried to explain these feelings to my husband with little success. I explained to him that I was feeling a bit lost right now and that I wasn't sure how to live a "normal life." He quickly replied to my statement with, "I thought the kids and I would be enough." That made me feel like a horrible wife and step-mom. All of these years I've focused on my competition schedule, my cardio, food prep, and all the things that would lead to success at my next contest- not realizing that my priorities have been a little twisted. 
For a young single competitor, life must be pretty simple. There are no kids' activity schedules to work around or a life-partner to answer to...just a straight and narrow path to the stage. But for those of us with businesses to run, kids to shuttle around, and husbands or wives to mollify, we have quite the balancing act to perform. I've realized over my longer break or growth season (as I'm now referring to it) that competing should not encompass my life as it has in the past. I think part of my recent moodiness comes from the realization of how selfish I've been and that I may have neglected important aspects of my life. My "feeling lost" came from my readjustment into a more "normal life" where cardio is not a top priority and where workouts are tough but can be moved to a different day if necessary, and having no answer to the question "When's your next competition?" While many people may think I should feel liberated, I actually felt uncomfortable and out of sorts. I haven't liked gaining weight, feeling my clothes tighten around my 118 lbs frame, andI've found that not having such a strict regime is a little unnerving as well. But now, I am finally getting my balance again. With all of these feelings I've been having, my husband decided to reduce my calorie intake and increase my cardio to 20 minutes, 4 days a week, in hopes of finding a happy medium. Thankfully, the changes seem to be working. I feel better on the inside- not so sluggish and moody and I look better on the outside (down 2 lbs from 120 lbs and still at 12.7% body fat). So, I've now put on about 4 lbs of lean mass this last month which I'm thrilled about! It gives me a reason to stay in this growth season...at least for a while longer.
